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Find God - What does it take to know God? This will explain how you can personally begin a relationship with God, right now.


What does it take to begin a relationship with God? Wait for a spiritual experience? Devote yourself to unselfish religious deeds? Become a better person so that God will accept you? NONE of these. God has made it very clear in the Bible how we can know Him. This will explain how you can personally begin a relationship with God, right now…

Principle One: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life.

God created you. Not only that, he loves you so much that he wants you to know him now and spend eternity with him. Jesus said, 'For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.'1

Jesus came so that each of us could know and understand God in a personal way. Jesus alone can bring meaning and purpose to life.

What keeps us from knowing God? …

Principle Two: All of us sin and our sin has separated us from God.

We sense that separation, that distance from God because of our sin. The Bible tells us that “All of us like sheep have gone astray; each of us has turned to his own way.”2

Deep down, our attitude may be one of active rebellion or passive indifference toward God and his ways, but it’s all evidence of what the Bible calls sin.

The result of sin in our lives is death -- spiritual separation from God.3 Although we may try to get close to God through our own effort, we inevitably fail.

There is a distance, a gap between us and God. The arrows show our efforts to reach God...doing good for others, religious rituals, trying to be a good person, etc. But the problem is that none of these good efforts actually cover up our sin or remove it.

Our sin is known by God and stands as a barrier between us and God. Further, the Bible says that the penalty for sin is death. We would be eternally separated from God.

Except…for what God did for us.

So, how can we have a relationship with God? …

Principle Three: Jesus Christ paid the penalty for our sin for us. He now offers us complete forgiveness and a close relationship with him.

Jesus Christ took all of our sins, suffered and paid for them with his life on the cross. Jesus died for us, in our place. He did this out of his tremendous love for us.

“…he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.”4 Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, our sin doesn’t have to separate us from God any longer.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”5

Jesus not only died for our sin, but after this death on the cross, he physically came back to life three days later, just as he said he would.

This was final proof that everything Jesus said about himself was true. To know him was to know God; to love him was to love God. “I and the Father are one.”6

Jesus said he could answer prayer, forgive sin, judge the world, give us eternal life. His countless miracles supported his words.

Jesus was clear, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one can come to the Father except through me.”7

Instead of trying to reach God, he tells us how we can begin a relationship with him right now. Jesus says, “Come to me.” “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink...out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”8

It was Jesus’ love for us that caused him to endure the cross. And he now invites us to come to him, that we might begin a personal relationship with God.

Just knowing what Jesus has done for us and what he is offering us is not enough. To have a relationship with God, we need to welcome him into our life…

Principle Four: We must individually accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.

The Bible says, “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”9

We accept Jesus by faith. The Bible says, “God saved you by his special favour when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.”10

Accepting Jesus means believing that Jesus is the Son of God, then inviting him to guide and direct our lives.11 Jesus said, “I came that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.”12

And here is Jesus’ invitation. He said, “I’m standing at the door and I’m knocking. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in.”13

How will you respond to God’s invitation?

Consider these two circles:

Self-Directed Life

Self is on the throne

Jesus is outside the life

Separated from God, life can often result in discord and frustration

Christ-Directed Life

Jesus is in the life and on the throne

Self has a relationship with God

The person experiences God’s love, guidance and help in life

Which circle best represents your life?

Which circle would you like to have represent your life?

Begin a relationship with Jesus…

You can receive Christ right now. Remember that Jesus says, “I’m standing at the door and I’m knocking. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in.”14 Would you like to respond to his invitation? Here’s how.

The precise words you use to commit yourself to God are not important. He knows the intentions of your heart. If you are unsure of what to pray, this might help you put it into words:

“Jesus, I want to know you. I want you to come into my life. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sin so that I could be fully accepted by you. Only you can give me the power to change and become the person you created me to be. Thank you for forgiving me and giving me eternal life. I give my life to you. Please do with it as you wish. Amen.”

If you sincerely asked Jesus into your life just now, then he has come into your life as he promised. You have begun a personal relationship with God.

I just asked Jesus into my life (some helpful information follows)…
I may want to ask Jesus into my life, but I have a question I would like answered first…

Footnotes: (1) John 3:16 (2) Isaiah 53:6 (3) Romans 6:23 (4) Titus 3:5 (5) John 3:16 (6) John 10:30 (7) John 14:6 (8) John 7:37,38 (9) John 1:12 (10) Ephesians 2:8,9 (11) John 3:1-8 (12) John 10:10 (13) Revelation 3:20 (14) Revelation 3:20


Work Header

Chapter 6: Chapter K02: 'Food Quest Yuusha: Rocket Neroid!' Or 'Damn It Mom! Can I Trade You For Danny Hebert? No, Wait, He's Completely Useless, Nevermind…'


We apologize for the lack of Vin's cuteness last chapter.

Warning! Unsanitary living conditions ahead. Please wash your hands for at least 20 seconds to properly clean them of all contaminants!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Gifting This Final Empire With Blessings!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter K02: 'Food Quest Yuusha: Rocket Neroid!' Or 'Damn It Mom! Can I Trade You For Danny Hebert? No, Wait, He's Completely Useless, Nevermind…'

Disclaimer: Brandon Sanderson has an army of over 20,000 clones all linked in a writing hive mind. That's the only explanation that makes sense! Also, he owns the Mistborn series. Konosuba is owned by Akatsuki Natsume and is godly. Carlo Zen made Tanya.



A year later, when mom managed to scam that noble high priest guy into thinking she was a noble too, getting him to knock her up and making him her sugar daddy, Kazuma, alone in the room of the much nicer noble apartment he and his mother lived in now as his mother slept, looked down at the little girl that had popped out of his mom after hours of loud, screaming labor.

Ok, maybe there's a little good about this now…

'Hey… I'm your onii-chan. Mom calls me Reen, but the truth is my name is really Kazuma, and I'm a hero from another world. I promise you I'm going to be the best onii-chan ever. No one is ever going to hurt you or make you cry or make you hungry, and no one, is ever, ever going to treat you like a skaa. I promise.'

Kazuma spoke in a whisper, careful to keep his voice down lest his mother wake up and ruin the moment.

The baby… his little sister looked at him with wide, innocent eyes.

'Yeah, I know I sound like a loony, but I swear it's all true. I'm a great hero, you know. I'd save this world but… ahem, anyway, you're more important than the world, so instead I'm going to save you.'

The baby closed her eyes, going to sleep.

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Kazuma nodded. He could feel the goofy grin on his face and didn't care. Ah, my little sister is so cute!

'Yeah, it's pretty overwhelming to find out how cool and amazing your onii-chan is right away. You just sleep on that so you can be properly impressed when you wake up.'

Gently, almost reverently, Kazuma put the baby down on the sturdy wooden crib he'd gotten for her as soon as his mother had gone into labor and the midwife had pushed him out of the room. It had been padded with thick, soft cloths and, despite smelling slightly musty, was clean and splinter free, just right for letting a baby go to sleep in. The crest of House Tekiel had been engraved on the headboard, but some work with a knife and his Tinder spell had gotten that off.

He figured that with them being the cause of his mom getting pregnant, they should take responsibility and donate baby supplies.

Speaking of which, the baby would need food when she woke up. And probably mom too, he supposed. Well, there was no helping it. He had to be a good big brother after all, which also meant being a passable son, but he could deal with that. It was time to go back to shopping at Tekiel Mall!

Technically, it was Keep Tekiel, because they were big and fancy and rich and couldn't be satisfied with a measly Tekiel Manor like that rich American toku hero with the bat fetish who kept getting rebooted. It had big walls, gardens behind those walls, and even a gazebo. Thankfully, this was an inanimate, dead gazebo, not like the gazebos they'd had in Belzerg, which were dangerous beasts known for killing whole parties and immune to arrows and fireballs and could leap at a party from across a whole field. Nobles had kept corpses of big ones in their gardens to act as centerpieces for their parties and show off how powerful or rich they were. Had this been back in Belzerg, Kazuma would have been impressed at the size of this garden's gazebo, which was big enough to hunt One-Punch Bears. But this wasn't Belzerg, so Kazuma was only impressed by how tasteless it was and how their contractor obviously ripped them off.

The thick mists this place had were really convenient. Since they came in every night and street lighting wasn't everywhere, Kazuma could pretty much go anywhere he wanted unseen even when he didn't try to hide. He hadn't run into any sort of undead or spirits yet while running around in the Mists, so he supposed those were just superstitions people said without knowing any better and not actually real things, but his Enemy Detection had gone off a few times, and after the one time he managed to catch a glimpse of some sort of ninja just hopping through the air like they escaped from some shounen manga that had been going on too long and got an unnecessary sequel, he'd taken to Lurking every time his Enemy Detection went off. Fortunately, it hadn't gone off on the way here, so he didn't have to ambush anyone and Drain Touch them to fill himself up again.

Then he looked at the big wall and considered his approach.

Despite his favorite and best skills coming from the Thief class, Kazuma had not done, except for one or two very special circumstances that Chris-who-was-secretly-Eris had begged his help with, any actual take-something-from-someone-else-against-the-law-and-keep-it-for-himself thieving. Even during those times when they'd been outrageously in debt, he had never considered taking something from someone else to make money (besides Aqua, but the debt was usually her fault anyway, so she didn't count), instead doing honest adventuring like killing monsters, going into dungeons and taking the stuff that was there (which everyone agreed was finders keepers, even the boss monsters who ran the dungeons). Mama Satou had raised good boys, thank you very much.

Then he'd ended up in this world. This shitty, Aqua-quality world where there were nobles and skaa, and nobles had everything and skaa had nothing, not even the right to live or have money to spend on nice things. It was like they'd taken the 'asshole rich guy bully beats on the hardworking, ineffectual, sad sack poor kid' scene in every overdramatic story ever and decided to turn it into the basis of society. Kazuma had always hated the poor kid, because even if the rich asshole had buddies, would it have killed him to have the balls to punch that rich asshole at least once? We're supposed to be empathizing with you, so act like what we'd think we'd act like, for crying out loud!

And so, despite his better nature and inclination to not be an out and out criminal (he wasn't Dust, after all), Kazuma had decided to screw it and punch this bullying rich asshole of a society in the face, kick it in the balls, and then make off with its fancy smartphone, loaded wallet and, while he was at it, it's expensive shoes.

Fuck the Japanese being a peaceful people, he had a little sister and a deadbeat mom to take care of! And well, he'd already stolen once…

(Later, when Kazuma learned about the skaa underground and thieving crews and fences and skaa who lived like nobles, he'd be really pissed off, because apparently he could have spent his money if he knew how…)

Unlike the first time, he had some gear with him, made with his Blacksmithing skill, which despite the name wasn't really limited to Blacksmithing. A wooden sword (a boken, of course), because he couldn't get his hands on any metal or the tools to work it, some rope, some cord that would have to do instead of wire, a bow he was slightly worried about, a bunch of arrows with sharpened wooden points (again, there was a distinct lack of metal for arrowheads), a couple of special grappling hook-style wooden arrows (and had those been an Aqua to carve out), and a couple of sacks for his loot. He didn't need much, given his exit strategy, but what he was looking for might not all be in one place. His spare shirt was wrapped around his face like a mask, really enforcing the 'playing ninja' aesthetic.

There was no point in trying the front gate. It was doubtless locked and watched. But the same couldn't be said of every inch of the walls, of which there were a lot of.

'Enemy Detection.'

He found a nice spot deep in the back of the gardens and felt for guards, waiting for them to pass by the spot he planned to climb. Ah, waiting quietly was so much easier without a whiny goddess, a perverted noble and a crazy loli constantly bugging him about stuff they wanted to do! When they were far enough, he fitted one of the grappling hook arrows with the rope and nocked it into his bow.


With barely a sound, the grappling hook arrow arced up and over the wall, and a tug let Kazuma know it had caught on something solid. He wished he had some sort of motorized attachment to pull him up, but alas, even his Blacksmithing skill had limits. Fortunately he was small and light and was easily able to clamber up the rope, all his gear included. At the top of the wall, he raised himself up cautiously, even though he knew there should be no one nearby. More mist covered the grounds, but his Farsight saw no eddies in the mists indicating someone was there, nor dark outlines silhouetted against the bright windows of Keep Tekiel.

He moved silently, knowing there were no loud, whiny party members to give away his position. He would have used Lurk, but that would have slowed down his movement, and that was pointless when he had so much ground to cover. Eventually though, after only one rest stop, he eventually managed to make it to the big-ass mansion proper.

The place was built like a particularly ostentatious and paranoid example of tin-pot dictator security whackadoo had a one night stand with Versailles, not that Kazuma knew what either of those would look like. Thick stone walls, heavy metal window fittings that would have fit right in with the next Castlevania ripoff, lots of old paintings and shit, Kazuma could practically feel someone in the house calling man a miserable pile of secrets before deciding this was enough talk

He knew where the kitchens were from the last time he'd come here. Even better, he knew where the pantries were.

One thing that hadn't really changed in his coming from Japan to Belzerg to here was a certain architectural logic about certain things. Bathrooms and latrines where always tucked away, separate even if not far enough to hide the smell in the case of skaa areas. And kitchens, whenever possible, where in the ground floor and the metaphorical back, out of sight but accessible. After all, you didn't want your food getting cold just from how far it took to get to you. Back at the guild hall, the kitchens had been in the back, and it had been the same for castle back at the capital.

In this case, the kitchens were near one of the walls, where there was small guarded gate, some kind of delivery entrance. Normally, the kitchen wouldn't be guarded, but this was a shithole, Aqua-quality world. There'd been guards there last time Kazuma had been here, and from what he'd seen they had a barracks kind of place. He supposed it was in case the gate was attacked or something, but despite the capacity of the barracks, there were only about four or five present, enough to sound the alarm and die dramatically if some sort of hero-type person came barging in.

The guards were huddled around a fire, wearing cheap breastplates and carrying spears, as was standard. Kazuma nodded in satisfaction. Good. Now he just had to live up to his end of the cliché.

The barracks had windows, and these weren't metal and glass gothic monstrosities, but wooden shutters over a square hole in the wooden wall. They were also conveniently open. Not much reason to put good security where the guards slept. Presumably the guards would take care of that in their time off.

Kazuma Lurked over to a window and took a quick peak inside. It smelled of leather, unwashed bodies, sweaty men and oil for metals. For a moment, he was vaguely nostalgic for the old stable he and Aqua used to sleep in back when they were doing construction work.


Then he set the closest bed on fire.

Hey, if it works, keep doing it. It was the online gamer way!

That done, he drifted toward the kitchen doors, kinds a nice shadow to curl up and wait.

And then he moved because apparently someone else had though the nice shadowed area no one could see you at was a good place to take a dump. He had to settle for a spot behind some barrels a little farther from the door.

Then he waited.


He could imagine Aqua's whining, about why it was taking so long for the guards to notice the fire and he could practically feel her robes in his hands as he had to pull her back from yelling at them to notice, unconsciously wiping his left hand, which would have slapped itself over her mouth.

And waited.

He could hear in his mind's ear Megumin's squirming voice, sounding like she needed to pee as she suggested she use her Explosion even if they were so close and in the blast radius and a really stupid idea to do so.

And waited.

He almost imagined the grinding of Darkness's armor next to him as she squirmed and muttered incessantly and in too much detail about all the lewd things she imagined the guards would do to her if they caught her, which would inevitably be so gross even if the guards had been thinking those things, they'd definitely stop once they listened to her a little and would rather take a bath to get rid of the unclean feeling they suddenly had, get a drink to wash out their brains, and go home to their families and tell them they loved them as they tried to block it all out.

Ah, the kitchen must have been using a lot of pepper, his eyes were stinging for some strange reason.

Suddenly one of the guards let out a yell, finally noticing the fire. The other guards took up the cry and Kazuma Lurked just in time as the kitchen door opened and people started to stream out, drawn to the noise. In the confusion, no one noticed something almost but not quite invisible slip through the open door.

The quest almost failed then and there and Kazuma barely had the presence of mind to dive under a work table before his brain almost shut down. For the entire kitchen was filled with the sweet, delicious, wonderful, oishii, delectable, been-so-long smell of…


Roasting meat! Dry-rubbed meat! Meat in sauce! Meat grilled! Meat fried! Meat! Meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat MEAT MEA–

And that was when someone stepped on Kazuma's little hand. Small as his hand was, they didn't even notice, and Kazuma managed to not cry out by dint of jumping in surprise and slamming the top of his head onto the bottom of the table. The heavy table didn't even move. Wincing, wishing whoever it was get a harem of Crimson Demons all with screws loose under his breath and rubbing the top of his head, Kazuma glared at the retreating pair of legs, resisting the urge to tell them to watch where they were going. He could feel his inner Aqua nodding approvingly, and so knew it must be a bad idea.

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As his inner Aqua yelled at him for disrespecting a goddess, Kazuma glared banefully around all the prepared and half-prepared meat around the kitchen. Damn it, so much meat and no time to try any of them! Not if he wanted to get food for his sister. He didn't have time to get distracted by meat, he needed to get food!


He could HEAR his inner Aqua, Darkness and Megumin laughing at him

He found the largest, best-smelling hunk of meat and, after burning his hands grabbing it (darn it, how could he forget meat you can smell is always hot? Stupid reincarnation!), he used Freeze to put it in a block of ice to preserve it and put it in one of his loot bags. The ice was the closest he could get to some sort of sanitary wrapper right now. He wasn't really sure about how clean his loot bags were. Well, no that was a lie. He was absolutely sure how clean his lootbags were, he just wondered if it was enough to make someone sick.

A big bag of unidentified grain went into a different sack. This was followed by a clean-looking cloth he wrapped around some flat disc-like loaves of fresh bread, the kind you wrap around something. After he closed the outside door to the kitchen to give himself some warning if they come back, he started stuffing stuff into his bags. Kitchen knives, bread knives, paring knives, spoons, forks, some nice wooden dishes and bowls, his old gamer looter skills came back as easily as breathing. It probably wouldn't do to follow those same instincts and start breaking jars in search for coins, but rifling through all the drawers seemed a good idea.

Some more meat-in-ice went into the sack. He was starting to run out of room, and it was getting kind of hard to carry. Curse this shota mode! The only thing worse would have been if he'd been reincarnated as a little girl!

Wait, no, that would be awesome! The skinship would be so good and as a modern, non-judgemental person who believes in true gender equality, he was willing to accept that yuri-yuri to be just as good as het. Darn it, now he was even madder about being reborn like this!

His fist unclenched, so did his shoulders and back. Feeling very calm and not excited at all, Kazuma decided that had had enough stuff in his loot bag. He left the kitchen, looking for the pantry or warehouse or whatever they called where the food was kept before it was cooked. As he turned the corner, there was some swearing behind him as the kitchen door was slammed open, and from the sound of it people were being told to go back to work and ignore the fire outside. They all seemed pretty unexcited about it anyway. He heard footsteps behind him and he very calmly pressed himself against the wall and activated Concealment. All but invisible, he watched as a someone from the kitchen, looking very neat and clean and not like they'd been cooking or even working at all, strode past him, followed by three people who looked tired, sweaty, stained, and basically like they'd been doing a lot of cooking near hot fires and looke resigned to having to carry stuff. Back in the kitchen, someone exclaimed about where the meat had gone.

The clean looking guy had just opened a door a few feet down past Kazuma, using a key he'd taken from his pocket, but at the exclamation, he hurried back to the kitchen, ordering the three to follow him. The door was left ajar.

Briskly, Kazuma slipped inside the open door, and grinned as his Farsight took in the room filled with shelves filled with sacks and jars and wooden boxes and stone casks and even… canned food?

'And we've found the treasure room.'

Kazuma muttered to himself triumphantly as he went in, taking off some links of sausage and what looked like jerky. He took a few cans at random as well, trusting to his luck that they'd be something good. Looking around, he started randomly opening pots and casks, breaking the wax seals on them on them as he searched. Oil, different kind of oil, salt…

Jackpot! Kazuma grinned smugly at a stone cask full of milk.

Taking his rope, he ran it through the handles of the cask, then painfully lifted it off the ground, carrying it on his back. It was really heavy and utterly excruciating. He could feel his knees wanting to buckle as his hands burned, wanting to let go of all his loot and relieve himself of their wait.

Jesus christ


As the door of the Tekiel's pantry/warehouse/food storage place opened once again, letting in the sound of confused and angry voices from the kitchen, it revealed a partially ransacked but empty room.


Thankfully, the floor of their noble apartment was a lot better built than the old place they lived in back in the slums, as it didn't collapse when Kazuma suddenly appeared with all his loot. With a groan, Kazuma put it all down, being careful with the milk. After all, babies drank milk, right? First, he had to put everything in the refrigerator, then–

Damn it!

He was going to have to make a refrigerator. This was going to be a long night.

The refrigerator wasn't. He didn't have any materials, so he used Freeze and Create Water to make a box made of thick ice, and put all the meat in it, then covered it with blocks of ice separated by the loot bags so they wouldn't fuse together and make the meat inaccessible. Then he had to find a dry place for all the grain and flour and stuff. After that he passed out because his magical capacity was still really small and he didn't have anyone to Drain Touch like some kind of vampire or, or… well, a lich he supposed, since Wiz was who he got it from. Damn it, why couldn't his magic work like that British kid and have no MP limits so he can just keep casting spells as long as he could say the stupid made-up word?

He woke up to find the ice had melted and dripped, meaning his room was flooded. He had to use Freeze to ice it up again then chip and pry it off the floor with one of his new knives and pile the ice up on what was left of the ice box and freeze everything all over again. The milk was frozen solid but that was… good? At least it wouldn't go bad?

Hmm, come to think of it, could a baby actually eat this? He wasn't quite sure what you fed a baby other than milk, and he had no internet to look it up.

He could FEEL his inner Aqua, Darkness and Megumin giving him judgy looks. Damn it, stay hidden when you weren't needed for nighttime material! Like you'd have done any better! So what if Megumin practically raised her little sister and Darkness had a little cousin…

STOP judging, you're not the real thing!

Ugh, he had to go and find out what it was babies ate other than milk. This was going to be a long day…

Reaching into the refrigerator box. Kazuma managed to fish out some of what had been fantastic smelling roast meat last night. Now it was just some sad, wet meat inside a layer of ice. Sighing, he used one of his new knives to cut off a huge piece and brought it to their fireplace so he could cook himself some meat for breakfast. At least he'd have that victory to enjoy. Then he'd go and see about how to make a more permanent refrigerator, or at least a proper ice box…

Two hours later, in some alley somewhere, Kazuma was squatting as he added to the general unsanitariness of the city, and found out why someone who hadn't had meat since the day he'd been born really shouldn't eat so much meat right away…


Fortunately, his mom didn't ask where all the food had come from. She just gave him a resigned look similar to the ones people gave Dust when the police came for him as she took some of the food to cook it. She did pat his head though. It might have been less awkward if she hadn't been topless and feeding his baby sister when she did it. After all these years, he found her as unarousing as Aqua (and he wasn't one of those momcons who love their Two-Hit Multi-Target Attacks, he was strictly into inseki so that they weren't related by blood, thank you very much!), but come on mom! Not in front of your son! He could hear his inner Darkness start going on about some kind of play where he was the breadwinner of the family and demanded his mom make herself useful, but he quashed that right away. He wasn't that kind of isekai protagonist, darn it! His scummy behavior had standards! Inner Darkness did not reflect the opinions and standards of this Kazuma!

As punishment, inner Darkness was not going to be used as material next time he needed it.

Doodle God

Ignoring the judgy look inner Megumin was giving him and inner Aqua calling him a lolicon, Kazuma set about building a more permanent ice box. Since he wasn't some weirdo who knew everything on the internet and could make a giant robot, the military economy to mass produce it, a harem of scientists to build it for him with nothing but some random shit and a box of scraps, and have plans like Bismark so he could conquer the world with it like some kind of fishy-eyed genius who got sent back to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, he had to rely on common sense.

He stole some wood panels from a carpentry shop along with some nails and a hammer, and made a box with a lid to act as a chest cooler. Then he used Create Earth to make some dirt since finding clean dirt was literally impossible in this city with all the ash and shit and dead skaa everywhere and mixed that with water from Create Water and through trial and error stopped trying to bake it with magic and just kept it in the fireplace to bake. Then had to do it again when it was too heavy to move easily so he dropped it and cracked it. Then he finally just said screw it and went off to steal tiles and mortar to use as a lining for the inner bottom and sides of the box, leaving a little hole in the corner for all the melt water. He had to raise up the box to give him room to put something to catch the water in so his room would finally stop flooding, which would at least give them something to wash with.

Of course, this took him days and at least two attempts since he let it get wet too early and ruined the mortar, meaning his room kept flooding all this time and the food had already been eaten by the time he finished it (he ate all the meat despite the indigestion it kept giving him because IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!), but at least they now had a refrigerator! It wasn't magic like they had in Belzerg, but it would keep food cold so it would last longer and give him someplace sanitary to store meat (which he was slowly getting better at eating) and that was the important bit!

At some point, his mom had made him put his baby sister's crib in his room (which was supposed to be some kind of pantry/servant room) since she couldn't stand Vin crying at night (he wasn't sure if it was a stupid name or just needed to be that simple so his mom could remember it). At least his mom still fed Vin when Kazuma brought the baby to her. He half expected her not to out of sheer stupidity and incompetence.

Since his mom was clearly done with the whole 'raising kids' thing and was useless for anything besides milk, Kazuma had to take care of his little sister himself. That meant feeding, bathing, cleaning out her poop and stuff she spat out… he was glad for Create Water, or else he'd never be able to feel clean again. It was the only thing that let him keep his sister in clean diapers and get the stink of baby poop off of him. If this was what Megumin had to deal with when raising her little sister, maybe he could understand why she had grown up the way she had, which made inner Megumin shuffled around like some useless tsundere and blush.

His sister was lucky she had such cute, squeezable cheeks and a nice baby smell when she was clean and beautiful dark baby eyes…

Ahhh, his imouto was so cute! Fuck you siscons with your big-boobed, violent tsundere sisters, his little sister beat them all! He spoke to her in Japanese, keeping her quiet with baby games and nuzzles and telling her he loved, yes he did, yes he did and tried to rack his brain for the story of Momotaro. About halfway through he realized he was telling her the story of Momotaros, which was why there was a flying train and breakdancing in the story. He gave up trying to stick to the original as a lost cause and went with it.

It was also his job to keep Vin quiet when that rich noble showed up for a booty call. Those times were fraught, since he didn't dare use Drain Touch on a baby, and he had no other knockout Skills on him. Thus he had to act very onii-chanly and entertain her until she fell asleep, and kept some bread soaked in milk and over soft foods handy in case she was hungry. His was surprisingly good at telling when she was. He supposed all his experience with the big baby goddess was paying off.

He happily fed his little sister, ignoring how inner Aqua was yelling at him for disrespecting a goddess, and trying to use some clean linens to block out the disturbingly erotic noises coming from his mom's room.

When Vin was asleep, that was when he used Teleport to go back to the Tekiel panty and rob them of food. He didn't dare try and sneak back into the kitchen, but thankfully there was sometimes preserved meat in the pantry. Also, one of the linen closets was nearby, so he could just dump the worst of the diapers and towels that he couldn't clean there and steal some fresh ones. Sometimes there was even soap and candles! He had to be even quicker than when he did this, since dirty diapers made even Concealment near-useless.

It wasn't long before they caught on and started posting a guard, but fortunately it was always someone outside the room, not inside it, watching the door. It was easy to tell someone was there using Enemy Detection, and eventually he worked out how to open the door quickly enough that he managed to Drain Touch the guy into unconsciousness before he realized what had hit him. This conveniently knocked out the victim's short term memory so Kazuma went unremembered, and every time he did this and left the guy inside the pantry to take the blame, there wouldn't be any guards for the next few days. Kazuma supposed they wondered why the guards who kept getting posted to guard the pantry were always the ones stealing, but eh, who else could they blame?

He eventually worked out how to buy stuff from the fancy stores once when he saw a skaa boy go into one and eventually come out against carrying something covered in paper. Kazuma had followed the boy to a noble's place, and eventually stalked the house long enough to see the boy come out again go into a store. This time he'd Lurked in with the boy, and watched as the boy had shown someone there a shopping list of things he was supposed to pick up.

The first time he'd tried this, he'd been run out for being too dirty to believably by working for anyone, so he'd stolen some clothes from Tekiel (someone in the kitchen would be missing their laundry but eh, whatever, they had a job to let them get more) and tried again.

Ah! Shoes! How he'd missed them!

He also realized there were skaa shops where skaa could buy things, and that his mistake had been insisting on buying from the fancy noble shops. Unfortunately, skaa shops never had any meat, but they did have bread, which was the basic of the basics. Sure, all the fillings where some kind of boiled, bland grains, leaves or vegetables, but as long as he had someplace to steal meat from he could endure. He was getting cramped and in pain for less and less every time he ate some, so he supposed his body was getting used to the heavenly taste of meat inside him.

Ignoring the lewdness inner Aqua, Megumin and especially inner Darkness were spouting at his perfectly innocent turn of phrase, Kazuma finally had a way of making totes-legit not-stealing-anything-here purchases from a store using some of the money he'd stolen seemingly so long ago. It grew surprisingly easily, since during his night-time wanderings he kept finding shiny spare change on the ground, as if someone was walking around the city with a hole in their beltpouch! He had to be careful the nighttime shinobi that always seemed to be around when he found money didn't notice him, lest the try to take his money away, but ever since he'd started going out at night he'd been finding a lot of pocket change! He supposed the stupid nobles were so crazy stupid rich they didn't care coins kept falling out of their pockets. Well, more for Kazuma and Vin-chan's growing up fund!

This was because mom got surprisingly little money from her sugar daddy. Maybe all of it was going to the apartment and into slutty dresses and booze she stocked for him? She kept expecting Kazuma to bring her and Vin food, but never gave him money to buy it with, and when he'd asked her how he was supposed to do that, she'd just hit him on the head and told him 'You know how, you useless son of mine! Get going!' and went back to listening to the voices in her head. Ugh. Useless slut. It was a good thing he could Heal. He made sure to ALWAYS keep Vin in his room when he was out, going so far as to barricade the door from the inside with his ice-box and slip out the window. Leaving babies with crazy people was a bad idea, after all. Just look at the Crimson Demon Clan. He was still half-convinced Yunyun had been adopted somehow. Maybe they found her in a basket floating down the river or something. Maybe she was from another planet and they'd found her baby rocket, like that American Goku-ripoff in the tights who dated that suicidal reporter. Heck, poor Yunyun might have been some kind of homunculus baby the Village Chief had accidentally made trying to cook dinner once or something. He'd never met her mother, after all. He wouldn't put anything past those weirdoes.

Kazuma was thinking these things as he walked down the street after he'd gotten Vin to go to sleep, minding his own business and ignoring inner Megumin challenging him to a fight for calling the Crimson Demon Clan weird when some guys came out of an alley ahead of him and blocked his way. His Enemy Detection started going off as he paid attention to it and them, and he realized there were people behind him as well, giving off an enemy signal as they positioned themselves to cut off his retreat. Instinctively, he checked them for missing fingers, but no, that wasn't how they did things around here. They weren't even that old. Some of them were shorter than he wasn't, and he really couldn't tell if they had any girls among them.

He expected banter. He was getting ready to demand they get out of his way. What he got was someone coming up behind him as one of the bigger kids came up to him. The punch to his stomach was ridiculously obviously coming and the guy hadn't even raised a fist yet as Kazuma felt the guy behind him suddenly grab his shoulder–

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- To be continued…


Next time is a Tanya chapter! Look forward to it!

No, it's not Camon's crew. If there's one thing I hate in fics, its canon characters only meeting other canon characters. Why would Piggot meet with every alt-power Taylor every time? She has more important things to do! For that matter, why would Armsmaster or Miss Militia, or even Assault? As government workers they probably have way too much paperwork to do to be interrupted by every random new Taylor that shows up. That's what rando bureaucrat workers are for!

So, apparently I mixed up Kelsier's mom and Vin's mom. It was Kelsier's mom that pretended to be a noble and was kept as a mistress. Vin's mom was a skaa prostitute that Tevidian was too lazy to kill, meaning he couldn't even be bothered to be corrupt properly. But since Tevidian is canonically the dad of Vin AND her little sister, that means he was a regular customer for at least two years. More since Vin was old enough to remember her sister being killed by hear mom, meaning she was at least three or four.